Let me start by saying that I will make this post as painlessly concise as possible. After I made this gut-wrenching and difficult decision I realize I reacted in a way that was impulsive and unpredictable — and one that may disappoint some people, and yes, I admit that I am mentioning it again (As I did on Instagram) — which I acknowledge I am complaining. In hindsight, I believe my decision was for the best, so I do not continue to spread any unwanted resentment or vitriolic tension. One philosophy or motto that I am trying to contemplate from all of this is to affirm that my intention is for my solace and conscience. So, with all sincerity, I want to apologize for my tone with this rant, and if you prefer not to read it, I will understand and respect you for it.
Illustratively or ideally, I want to point out that I have experienced such beautiful and somewhat mind-boggling experiences on Twitter throughout the course of a long nine years, dated back to March 2009. By the way, those nine years have exposed me to some factors: positivity and impact in the forms of art, quotes, affirmations, suicide prevention (Which is personal to me.) and politics (Many know that open-ended topic well.); scathing, slightly innocuous, provocative and questionable comments; and yet some insightful reflection that I had not expected. Therefore, in certain ways, it really captivated my attention. Twitter has left me with the notion of others’ opinions and that mine were relatable to theirs in return and its powerful intention of influence.
Random side note: Realistically, I acknowledge there has been a flurry of mixed opinions. Twitter is prone to criticism, whether it is negative or positive. Across the board, in my view, Twitter can convey a purpose: to provide a platform that perpetuates personal or professional forms of communication. From my standpoint, and I may receive criticism for this remark, I understand the framework of the media platform and its agenda, but lately I think Twitter has contradicted itself. It is possible the shake-ups and contention (Mostly political, societal or news-related) provide traffic and attention to Twitter, but there is only so much time until that bond breaks and it damages its brand awareness.
However, on the contrary, my long-winded rapport with Twitter has left me feeling some guilt, remorse, depression, and empowerment, and, I hate to admit it, resentment as well. I can justify my feelings because I have been through this experience, and I prefer no one go through the same. In my mind, only I can blame myself for my perceptions and feelings towards Twitter. This now leads me to the following.
One example that I can extrapolate is when I chose to share my political views.
In advance, and by my choice, I realized that risks and proceeded anyway. I had to realize that some fellow peers would disagree with me or respond with hurtful remarks on Twitter’s platform — and that contention was fair game, protected by the First Amendment and I could cry foul but get ignored. I recall several instances when I perceived remarks as condescending but in essence, those remarks direct a message not meant to degrade me. On the other hand, there were a couple times when a few people insinuated my opinions were invalid or interjected words that I had not said. For instance, I replied to a tweet about a political policy to which I disagreed and immediately someone advised I hated an elected official. [Sighs deeply] Whenever someone infers something about me that is clearly vengeful or seems ungrateful of what I say, I tend to disassociate from it. In that previously cited instance, I shut down the conversation by blocking it because I realized there was no more I could iterate to these peers. Subsequently, when I close the conversation altogether it questions my conflict and confrontation skills. I know I can learn better from these examples, but at that time, I felt it was necessary to suppress any potential for vindictive, arduous, long-winded and nonsensical arguments that began and ended as a loop. Perhaps I could have refuted pointedly and finished with a comment like “And with respect, have a good day,” or “Is that the beauty of a democracy and the Constitution?” Arguably, now it is difficult to know the effectiveness of such responses to such harsh dissonance.
However, I will recap upon another point about the politics highlight. I must say there were many people of The Resistance that provided me ease. Fellow resisters have done a lot of the previous point. In my opinion, The Resistance has been a stronghold and shown the following traits: attentiveness; laughter at the inside political jokes; patience and vigilance while incurring the daily encounters of a destructive regime; and most of all, the heartfelt and embedded admiration that lies with their hearts and minds for the US and its people and others worldwide. My heart aches that I left such an artful, strong-willed, benevolent, patriotic and brave network of people in the Twitter realm, but I know I must do what is best for my health.
Another point that grasped at me was certain Twitter accounts that promoted messages of inclusion and awareness, ranging from suicide prevention and awareness, civil, animal and human rights, writing and blogging, entertainment news and countless others. It was refreshing to notice the variety of accounts. The content of such accounts gave me the thorough insight into the relatability and tone. Moreover, at times, the breadth of the influential content made me feel emotional, so much to the point, I felt breathless and teary. Whenever it comes to messages of hope, motivation, peace, love, awareness, and equality my heart throbs and yearns for more of it. There is no further argument to that. I can say that I will wholeheartedly miss this aspect, too, and I feel so awful — so ashamed for leaving such motivational and beautifully articulate creators. As facetious as this may sound, I do not blame several of them (Quote artists, LGBT pioneers, Spreading Love, Against Suicide, The Resistance and more) for their anger toward me. In all honesty, I permit their concerns and grievances if any arise to my departure; it is as if my separation could result in that way.
For the fact, that Twitter’s presence has struck many emotions in my mind, my mood and mentality was another reason I contemplated my bond on the social medium. As a person, who has yet to experience more hardships, I can empathize with how I let personal sabotage incite growing anxiety in my mind. For example, when I would reply to tweets about issues such as police brutality, child endangerment or philosophical quotes — and I saw a notification appear on my cell phone or tablet — my heart would palpitate so noticeably it felt like I had to breathe often to compose myself. Additionally, with the rhythmic heartbeats, I felt clamminess of my hands and armpits as well. These conditions seemed to prolong for me, even after I viewed, ignored or replied to a reply from someone. As frivolous as I sound right now, I do not want someone else to experience such a breathtaking anxiety; one that has affected me for several months before April 3 (Deactivation date). If all this makes me sound too vulnerable then it is so, and I admit to it.
In all, I know that my tenure on Twitter will be memorable. It was such a lovely round of tango — one that was ended abruptly. To be fair, I am uncertain whether this is temporary. Sadly, for now, I do not plan to return until Twitter reforms a structure that is not abetting any forms of oppression to society; it is unfair to those who are responsible for their actions and remain aware of respecting fellow users on the platform. For now, it seems definite at this time.
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